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Well Ted, Here’s to Unemployment

March 15th, 2016 by Judd Ballard

It’s primary day in Ohio and while I haven’t voted this morning, I’ve enjoyed reflecting on some of the more comical GOP campaign promises to date. The only one appearing to affect my very immediate future is Ted Cruz and his wish to do away with the IRS.

I haven’t quite wrapped my hands around the concept of abolishing the IRS, nor am I supportive (or unsupportive) of its policies because my mind instantly skips to how many of my friends may be unemployed. Heck, I may even be unemployed, and from there my mind jumps to the realization that I’m not well-rounded enough to do anything else. So before I began imagining a post-IRS world relevant resume, I started brainstorming totally realistic career alternatives. In no particular order:

  1. Blogger Pros: There will always be an internet, a forum to complain about whoever and whatever you want, with seemingly zero accountability, littered with falsehoods. And best of all, no boss?! Cons: Trouble putting food on the table, unwilling to accept the challenge of differentiation, unwilling to acknowledge the fact my opinion carries little weight.
  2. Fantasy Sports Expert Pros: Even if you’re terrible at picking the right quarterback every Sunday, you can be even more terrible in March and still have a shot at nailing a few bracket busters. It doesn’t get any better than watching the first two days of March Madness, uninterrupted, on your couch.   Cons: Having to stomach the amount of several Sundays wasted away on your couch just to know the difference between Josh McCown, Luke McCown, and Cade McNown. (How many of those guys have played for the Browns?)
  3. Campaign Protester Pros: If you’re on top of your game, in high demand, and scheduled properly, you might only have to work every 8 years, and certainly no more than every 4 years. Cons: Low job satisfaction in election years lacking the likes of The Donald or Hilary “exit stage right”…What does that arrow mean anyway??
  4. ConsultingPros: Being the subject matter expert naturally hints at longevity, and essentially a name your price invoicing policy. It also appears to be the best way to spend half your summer on the golf course. Cons: Everyone is a consultant in their own mind, it’s just a matter of finding the prefect audience to believe what is coming out of your mouth. See Blogger above.
  5. Card Counter Pros: MIT diploma not required, casinos scattered across the country, and I’m actually already pretty good at counting…at least to 20. Cons: Mundane, boring, not to mention frowned upon. Sounds easier than it is for everyone not named Ben Affleck. And last but not least, financial backing…does that GoFundMe idea actually work?

While many Americans agree there’s no real easy solution to reeling in the IRS, mailing postcards via snail mail may keep the USPS relevant, but it doesn’t even work on vacation anymore. Solid pipe dream, obviously unrealistic. As much as it hurts all of us to admit it, a tax collection authority is necessary in some regard…at least for CPA employment sake. So, for the time being, I’m looking forward to sticking to my day job…

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